


she's not her

by lostariels



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Identity Reveal, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, ReignCorp, SuperCorp, basically post s3 when reign is gone, i'd hardly say smut but there's sex lmao, there's going to be some reigncorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-06 09:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostariels/pseuds/lostariels
Summary: She found herself outside that dark wooden door again, just like all the other dozens of times she’d come here, except then her stomach had been tied into nervous knots for a different reason. It had been weeks since they’d defeated Reign, and Kara hadn’t seen Lena since then. Well, not since she’d seen her at the hospital, her tearstained face pale and angry as she sat beside Sam, who was unconscious and hooked up to machines, the wires snaking out from under the thin hospital gown. Lena had taken one look at Kara, still wearing her Supergirl suit and covered in the blood of their friend in the bed, and had told her to get out. Kara hadn’t even had the chance to explain herself, she’d just been confronted with anger and harsh words that had made her flinch as if she’d been slapped in the face by each of them. She’d tried reasoning with Lena, but she’d just broke down crying and told Kara to leave, and defeated, Kara had gone, her cape swishing around her as she walked outside, fighting back tears as she walked through the front doors and took off into the night. That had been the last time they’d seen each other.





	1. after that I’ll let you go

            She found herself outside that dark wooden door again, just like all the other dozens of times she’d come here, except then her stomach had been tied into nervous knots for a different reason. It had been weeks since they’d defeated Reign, and Kara hadn’t seen Lena since then. Well, not since she’d seen her at the hospital, her tearstained face pale and angry as she sat beside Sam, who was unconscious and hooked up to machines, the wires snaking out from under the thin hospital gown. Lena had taken one look at Kara, still wearing her Supergirl suit and covered in the blood of their friend in the bed, and had told her to get out. Kara hadn’t even had the chance to explain herself, she’d just been confronted with anger and harsh words that had made her flinch as if she’d been slapped in the face by each of them. She’d tried reasoning with Lena, but she’d just broke down crying and told Kara to go, and defeated, Kara had gone, her cape swishing around her as she walked outside, fighting back tears as she walked through the front doors and took off into the night. That had been the last time they’d seen each other.

 

            Kara would be lying if she said she hadn’t come here often, her feet leading her to the front doors of the building every few days as her mind drifted to Lena, but she hadn’t been able to find the courage to go inside. Instead, she’d stand there on the sidewalk, craning her head back as she stared up at the top of the building, listening to the steady heartbeat inside the penthouse. She could picture Lena there, all alone in her apartment - probably in the armchair by the window - her hair falling around her shoulders after a day of being up in a tight knot, wearing one of her faded sweaters from MIT and enjoying a glass of wine, an episode of _Homeland_ on the TV while she ate the dinner she'd cooked for herself. It used to be Kara up there with her, after a long day at CatCo, laughing as they talked, and her heart soaring at all of the gentle touches and soft smiles Lena reserved for her. Now it was someone else; it was _Sam._ Kara wasn’t naïve, and she knew her feelings for Lena were deeper than she had ever admitted to anyone except herself, and she knew that Lena’s feelings towards her were verging on the edge of a little more than friendly too. Except Lena had Sam too, and the three of them had been in some awkward game of tug of war as Lena had indecisively drifted between the two of them, unsure of who she had stronger feelings for. The showdown with Reign had made her mind up for her though, and she’d picked Sam. Not in a romantic way - not _yet_ \- but Lena had picked Sam over Kara. Occasionally, Kara would hear her heartbeat up in the apartment too, and it hurt to think that she could’ve been in her place, but she’d messed everything up.

 

            Now she was here to apologise. She _had_ to do it; it had been eating away at her for weeks. Kara had left without an explanation, had quit her job, and had avoided talking about Lena with anyone else. The only time she’d come even close to seeing her was when she’d gone to a restaurant they’d frequented during their lunch breaks, and she’d almost been too distracted talking to Alex to hear the familiar heartbeat, but as her hand had fallen on the door handle, her face had gone bone white with realisation, and she’d abruptly turned around and left, leaving her sister calling after her. The last few weeks had given her time to pull herself together though, and to figure out what she wanted to say, even if it wasn’t going to be easy to say it. The thing was that they’d never explicitly said that they had feelings for each other, but it had been there, unspoken, in the way that they looked at each other, or the way that Lena brought her soup when she thought that Kara was sick, when really she’d just burned out her powers. It was there in the way that Kara said her name, or would bring her donuts when she came to sit down on Lena’s couch and listen to whatever was bothering her. If Kara hadn’t been too scared that Lena would reject her in favour of Sam, Kara would’ve told her about her feelings a long time ago, but she hadn’t and now it was too late. The only thing she could do now was be honest with Lena. Taking a deep breath, Kara raised her fist and knocked on the door, feeling her heart thud loudly in her chest. The sound of the TV being muted reached her ears, followed by Lena’s shout.

 

            “Sam? It’s open, just let yourself in,” Lena called out, and Kara felt herself go weak at the knees at the sound of her voice. She couldn’t do this; she wouldn’t be able to bear the look of hatred in Lena’s eyes as she looked at her. Shaking her head and drawing in a shuddering breath, Kara hitched her bag up higher on her shoulder and turned around to leave. Quick footsteps padded towards the door, and she quickened her pace as the sound of the door opening reached her ears, but she wasn't quick enough. “Kara.”

 

            Pausing, Kara slowly turned around, her eyes filling with tears at the sight of Lena, taking in the cold beauty of her as she gave her a hard look. “Lena,” Kara choked out, her tongue feeling thick in her mouth. That was all that she could manage to get out, and she looked down at her shoes, fiddling with the cuff of her cardigan as she swallowed the lump in her throat. The sound of the door hinges creaking reached her ears, and she looked up with a panicked look on her face, stumbling as she rushed forward to stop the door from closing in her face. This was her only chance to tell Lena, and she had to do what she came here to do. Up close, Kara could see the hurt in Lena’s green eyes, and the simmering anger beneath it as Lena looked up at her. “Please, I just- I want to explain- just give me a chance.”

 

            “You had plenty of chances,” Lena hoarsely replied, her face all sharp angles and her jaw stubbornly jutting forward as she looked up at Kara, “you had _months_.”

 

            “Please, Lena,” Kara begged, her voice wobbling as she blinked back tears, “just a few minutes. Afterwards … you’ll never have to see me again.”

 

            Hesitating slightly, Lena nodded, stepping back and opening the door to let Kara pass by. She didn’t bother hanging the coat slung over one arm up, or take her shoes off and neatly leave them on the rack near the door. Her face was apologetic and pleading, and Kara couldn’t help but feel like she was about to watch everything fall apart as she followed Lena through to the kitchen. She was going to have her heart broken, and she _deserved_ it. After all the times that Lena had let her in, Kara had never completely opened up to her – had never been fully honest – and that she knew that was what had sealed her fate with Lena. It wasn’t the fact that she _was_ Supergirl, it was that she didn’t _tell_ her. Leaning back against the kitchen counters, Lena crossed her arms over her chest, staring down at the oven door as she avoided looking at Kara. It was dark in the apartment, with only the flickering coming from the muted TV and the dim lights in the kitchen to illuminate them, and Kara wished that this was going to happen differently. She wished that she'd had the courage to ask Lena to meet her for coffee, or go to CatCo or L-Corp - she wasn't sure where Lena was these days - but the idea of Lena cutting her off had scared her.

 

            “Well go on then. The Blacklist is on, so you’d better make it quick,” Lena stiffly told her.

 

            Blinking back tears at the unfamiliar coldness of Lena’s tone, Kara cleared her throat, her mouth opening and closing uselessly. She’d rehearsed this moment in her mind – over and over again – but standing before Lena, it was different to how she’d imagined it. In her mind, Lena was still _her_ Lena – warm and comforting, and the person who always had a quick smile and a witty remark for her friend – but this Lena wasn’t that person. She was cold and aloof, and Kara lingered at the end of the kitchen counters, scrambling for something to say. _Just say sorry_.

 

            “I’m sorry,” Kara blurted out, ducking her head in embarrassment. She couldn’t bear to look into her eyes and see the anger, because those two words weren’t enough to make up for what she’d done. The harsh laugh that followed made Kara wince, and she could feel Lena’s eyes drilling into the top of her head. “I am. Truly, I am. I didn’t me-“

 

            “Mean to hurt me? You were only trying to protect me? You were going to tell me eventually?” Lena listed off, laughing quietly, “ _have_ you ever told anyone? Clearly Alex knows, but …”

 

            Kara nodded, glancing up quickly to take in the eyebrows furrowed in anger, and the muscle twitching in Lena’s jaw. “James figured it out straight away – he’s friends with my cousin,” Kara hoarsely replied, “and Winn … I told Winn.”

 

            Letting out a sharp laugh that was too loud in the silent, dark room, Lena gave Kara a bitter smile, “you told _Winn,_ who can’t keep a secret to save his life? _How_ did you tell him?”

 

            “I flew,” Kara softly said.

 

            “Fly for me, right now,” Lena commanded her, and Kara gave her a wary look, nodding as she set her coat down on the counter and unslung her bag, before she floated two feet off the floor, her eyes locked onto Lena’s face, and touched back down a moment later, her shoes squeaking slightly on the marble floor. “It was _that_ easy.”

 

            Shaking her head, Kara swallowed thickly, her hopes that Lena would be understanding plummeting and the cold anger in her friend's voice. “It wasn’t. It wasn’t _that_ easy, it was- it was terrifying to think about telling you. I-I would’ve though … eventually.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena gave her a wry smile, “and I’m supposed to believe you?”

 

            “I lied – I know I did – but I’m being honest now,” Kara said, taking a shuddering breath.

 

            “That’s not how it _works_ , Kara,” Lena snapped, “you _know_ how I feel about lying. With everything with my family … you _knew_. You think I would’ve cared about you being an alien? Did you think that I would’ve left? How many times did I help you as Supergirl? You should’ve known better than that; _I_ deserved better than that. I thought you trusted me.”

 

            Stamping down the urge to cry as her eyes prickled with unshed tears, Kara breathed quickly, trying to calm herself down. Lena was right, and Kara hadn’t meant to hurt her, but that was the thing – she’d _still_ hurt her, even if it had been unintentional. Perhaps that made it worse, because she loved Lena, and of course she would never intentionally hurt her, but at least if it had been intentional, Kara wouldn’t have felt so heartbroken. “I know. I know I failed you. Please, can’t you just- can you forgive me? I’m not asking you to let things go back the way they were – I know that’s too much to ask – but please, please forgive me. I know it’s all my fault but I … I don’t want to be without you. You’re my best friend.”

 

            “Why?” Lena asked, a sad look in her eyes as she looked at Kara, “just tell me why you- what were you so afraid of? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

            And then Kara was crying, because Lena’s voice was breaking and she felt the stabbing pain in her heart as it broke at how much she’d hurt her friend. No, not friend – they were something _more_. That’s why she didn’t tell her, because she could’ve handled losing a friend when she told Winn, and she could handle people she trusted knowing too, but the thought of telling Lena, and having her walk away, had terrified Kara. _Tell her. Tell her now._ Closing her eyes, Kara bit back a sob as she wiped at her eyes, fixing her glasses when she made them lopsided, and wiping the smudge of mascara on her pants. Love shouldn’t have hurt this much, but it was hurting her to wrestle with the decision to tell Lena how she really felt. There had already been one too many lies though, and Kara looked up, meeting Lena’s surprisingly soft gaze, and gave her a sad smile as she tilted her head to the side.

 

            “Because I love you,” Kara said, wiping away a tear as it slid down her cheek. Sniffing, she tried to even out her shaky breathing, her breath hitching every couple of moments as Lena stared at her in silence.

 

            It was a few more moments before she swallowed thickly, looking down at the floor, “if you loved me … you wouldn’t have lied.”

 

            Kara closed her eyes, more tears cutting a path through her makeup as they slid down her cheeks. “Please. You have to believe me. I love you, I do, and I know- I know you have Sam now, but I need … I need you to know. I know that you don’t need me anymore, and that sh-she can give you everything that I couldn’t, but I love you.”

 

            Shaking her head, Lena let out a pent up breath, her shoulders seeming to hunch forward as if she was going to curl into herself. “Don’t.”

 

            “Lena-“ Kara said, her voice cracking on her name as she took a step towards her, stopping in her tracks when Lena held out a hand to stop her.

 

            “Why didn’t you just tell me?” Lena exclaimed, tears spilling down her own cheeks as her face crumpled in anguish. “We could’ve- I would’ve- _fuck_. She _needs_ me, Kara, she doesn’t have anyone else. I can’t just- I care about her too.”

 

            “How is she?” Kara quietly asked, wincing at the memories of what they’d done to each other as they came flooding back. Both of them had been in a bad way afterwards, having the strength to truly hurt each other, but once they’d purged Sam’s body of Reign, she’d been in critical condition. She wasn’t healing quickly anymore, and her body had struggled to process the damage that Kara had inflicted. It was a miracle she’d lived, and Kara had spent weeks feeling guilty about it. She wasn’t sure if Lena knew about the phone call, but Sam had phoned her – just once – and told Kara that she didn’t blame her. They’d been friends, all three of them, but with Lena feeling betrayed, it hadn’t been the same, and Kara hadn’t been able to face Sam either, even with the knowledge that Sam had forgiven her at least. Saving the city had only brought Kara weeks of loneliness, and she couldn’t help but think about how saving Sam by ridding her of Reign had only tore Lena straight out of her arms and into the wounded woman’s. At least Sam had never lied to her – she didn’t even know what had been happening to herself – so Lena was able to forgive her, and help nurse her back to health. Whatever had blossomed there, Kara wasn’t sure, and she wasn’t sure she _wanted_ to face the sharp pain of rejection.

 

            Lena braced herself against the kitchen counters, her dark hair falling around her face in a curtain, hiding her face from view. The tension in her shoulders was still visible though, and she sniffed as she wiped at her face, “she’ll be okay.”

 

            “I-I never meant to hurt her,” Kara said in a tiny voice, with an urgency to it as she tried to assure Lena that she hadn’t meant for things to end up as badly as they had. She’d been just as worried about Sam too, and that made this whole situation worse, because Kara _liked_ Sam. Not in the way Lena cared about her, but it still hurt to know she’d lost two friends because of this.

 

            Weakly laughing, Lena shook her head, “I know. I know you didn’t, but you did. You should go now, Kara.”

 

            Feeling panic well up inside, Kara took a hurried step towards her, her eyes wide and the thought of losing Lena becoming all too real as she watched her friend slip away before her very eyes. “Please, Lena, don’t leave me. I don’t- you’re all I have. You’re the only one who _understands_ what it’s like, having families like ours. Please, I can’t let you go. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I’ll do _better_.”

 

            “There’s nothing you can do,” Lena murmured, “and you have Alex. You have other friends.”

 

            “But I don’t love them the way I love you,” Kara tearfully replied, finding it hard to breathe. She didn’t get a response, but Lena’s shoulders were shaking slightly, and Kara knew that she was crying, and she had to know if there had ever been a chance between them. “Could you have- did you ever … feel the same?”

 

            A part of her was praying for a firm no and a dismissive laugh, because then she would’ve known that no matter what she did, there would be no trying to win her back, but deep down, Kara didn’t have to ask. She _knew_. They’d both known before she’d even admitted it, and it was only going to make things hurt more to know that she’d ruined any chance they could’ve had of being together. All because she was too scared to tell her who she really was. The seconds ticked by and the only response she got from Lena was the quiet sniffs as she tried to stop crying, and Kara was rooted to the spot, her stomach roiling with the thought of losing the only person she’d ever felt so strongly about. There had been a time when she’d thought she’d loved James, and then Mon-El had come along and they’d tried, and having someone from another planet had been nice, but they both paled in comparison to Lena. She was everything to Kara, and she didn’t want to let go of her without a fight. This couldn’t be the end of it all – it hadn’t every really _begun_.

 

            Eventually, Lena straightened up, flipping her hair off her shoulder and raising her chin as she stared at Kara. Her eyes were puffy in the dim light of the kitchen, and her damp cheeks glistened slightly where the tears had fallen, and Kara felt like she’d had the air knocked out of her lungs. She was as beautiful as ever, even in her sadness. “You know I did,” Lena said, giving her a sad smile, “and that’s why it hurts so much.”

 

            Nodding, Kara grit her teeth as she smiled through the pain, her eyes welling up with tears. She could feel her throat closing up, and she had to clear her throat a few times before she could ever reply, her bottom lip trembling as she struggled to choke the words out. “I just had to know for sure,” she wistfully replied, misty-eyed as she thought about everything she had given up in favour of a secret, which had come out anyway when she’d fought Reign right in front of Lena. “I had to hear you say it, just once. It’s okay, I can let you go now. Just … tell her how you feel, okay? Don’t wait.”

 

            Picking up her stuff, Kara quickly turned around, her face crumpling as she felt like she’d just torn her heart out of her chest. The worst part was that she meant her words too; she hoped that Lena was able to find happiness with Sam, because Kara would never begrudge her her happiness, and if she wasn’t the one to find it with, then she hoped it was someone as kind as Sam. She would take care of Lena; she could give Lena everything that Kara hadn’t. Taking a step towards the dark hallway, Kara stopped at the choked sob from behind her.

 

            “Kara.”

 

            Closing her eyes as more tears ran down her blotchy cheeks, Kara sniffed, waiting for Lena to say whatever she had to, and then Lena was gently touching her on the arm, jerking her around and bringing her lips down onto hers. Kara’s eyes flew open in surprise, and so did her mouth, giving Lena the opportunity to deepen the kiss, and it was better than Kara could have ever imagined. She could taste the bitter coffee Lena had been drinking, and her lips were soft and warm – even more so than Kara had daydreamed – and her eyes fluttered close as she melted into it, feeling Lena’s warm hands cup her cheeks.

 

            They pulled back a few moments later, foreheads resting against each other, and their breathing ragged as they both tried to stop crying and catch their breath. Shifting her bag and coat into one arm, Kara reached up to gently wipe away the tears on Lena’s cheeks, feeling Lena’s hot breath on her cheek as she sharply exhaled. “Just … stay with me a moment,” Lena whispered, her breathing hitching slightly, “please. I need to- I need you just once.”

 

            Kara unceremoniously dropped her coat and bag, her hands gently but firm as they picked Lena up in one fluid motion, the other girl’s legs winding around her waist, and Kara sat her down on the kitchen counter, their lips finding their way back to each other in a needy kiss. It wasn’t going to change anything, Kara knew that, but just for a moment, she wanted to know what it felt like to be Lena’s. She wanted to know what she had ruined for herself, just once. It didn’t matter if Lena went straight to Sam afterwards and professed her love for her, Kara only cared about right now, and how good it felt to have Lena’s hands tugging the hairband out of her hair and running her fingers through Kara’s blonde locks. There was a small pause when Lena plucked the glasses off Kara’s face, facing the reality of the fact that she was Supergirl, which was how they’d ended up in this position, but they’d just stared at each other for a heartbeat, Kara’s eyes sad, and Lena’s holding a spark of anger, before they’d come back together in a slightly rougher kiss.

 

            Quietly moaning into the kiss as Lena ran her tongue along the roof of Kara’s mouth, she couldn’t help but tear herself away, Lena’s name falling from her lips in a soft sigh. And then Lena’s mouth was hot on her neck, biting and sucking as she kissed her way down to the collar of Kara’s shirt, while tears slid down Kara’s cheeks. Nimble fingers undid the first few buttons of Kara’s shirt, and Lena’s mouth was back, kissing along the exposed collarbone, her tongue leaving behind a wet trail as Kara’s fingernails gently dragged along the nape of Lena’s neck. Her heart was hammering, and she could hear Lena’s too, beating just as fast, and when Lena’s hands tore open the front of her shirt, Kara couldn’t help but pick up on the way it skipped slightly. Pulling off the cardigan and shirt, Kara began working on Lena’s old t-shirt, accidentally tearing it slightly in her hurry to get it off, before her lips fell to Lena’s pale neck, and the curved line of her exposed jaw, as Lena threw her head back. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, Kara held her steady as she peppered Lena’s neck, jaw, shoulders and chest with kisses. She wanted her lips to know every inch of her skin, while she had the chance, and she couldn’t stop the hot tears that dripped onto Lena’s skin, she didn’t want to stop, not even when Lena cupped her chin, tilting her head up to look her in eyes. A flicker of pain ran across Lena’s face, and Kara gently kissed her, gripping Lena’s thighs, making sure she didn’t hold her too tightly, even though she wanted to hold her as close as possible and never let her go.

 

            At the tugging on her belt, Kara picked Lena up with ease, swiftly moving towards the bedroom that belonged to Lena, trying to keep her balance as Lena kissed her cheek, her earlobe, the hollow just behind her ear, where her jawbone ended, shivering at the pleasurable touches of Lena’s lips. Fumbling behind her for the door handle, Kara let the door swing open, before she kicked it shut and pushed Lena up against it, bringing their lips back together. Unwinding her legs from around Kara’s waist, Lena found her footing, a few inches shorter than Kara as she leant up into the kiss, her hands unbuckling the thin belt around Kara’s waist, before she tugged the zipper down. The feeling of Lena’s hands pushing her pants down made Kara’s breathing hitch, and she lifted her feet out as the pants pooled around her ankles, bracing herself against the door at the feeling of Lena’s lips brushing the inside of her thigh, just above the knee, and then up and up. Lena’s hands cupped Kara’s calves in her hands, gliding upwards over smooth skin with each kiss placed slightly higher than before, up over the waistband of her underwear, biting down on the sharp hipbone, before kissing up Kara’s toned stomach. Eyes closed, Kara couldn’t stop the small gasps at the feeling of Lena’s mouth and hands, wondering what else they could do, and then Lena’s mouth was back on hers, swallowing the surprised moan as Kara’s slightly parted lips opened more.

 

            Lena undid the string of her sweatpants, quickly stepping out of them, and Kara scooped her up off her feet, carrying her over to the bed and gently laying her down on top of the covers, pushing decorative pillows out of the way as she kept her lips on Lena’s. Capable fingers undid her bra and Kara shrugged it off, while Lena pushed herself up just enough for Kara to undo hers. Taking her time, Kara let her hands trail over every inch of Lena, while Lena did the same to her, both of them cherishing the feeling of gentle fingers and soft skin, and the occasional brush of lips. Kara could’ve stayed like that forever, wrapped up in the feeling of Lena’s touch everywhere, and the knowledge that behind that there was love. She wasn’t sure it would still be there afterwards. It was all too much, and better than either of them could ever have imagined, but still not enough, and Kara pushed herself up, giving Lena a searching look which she wasn’t sure the other woman could see. The pause was enough though, and Lena played with the little hairs at the base of Kara’s neck, her fingers gentle as she whispered, “please.”

 

            With shaking hands, Kara pushed her underwear down the smooth pale legs, tossing them aside as Lena shifted so that she was resting back on her elbows, her skin bathed white in the light from the moon. She reached out for Kara’s, toying with the waistband as she arched an eyebrow in question, and Kara swallowed the lump in her throat as she removed her own. Slowly straddling her, hands encircling wrists and pinning her down to the bed, Kara hovered over Lena, her blonde hair mingling with the dark locks splayed out around Lena’s head, her warm, shaky breath ghosting over Lena’s cheek, and then she slowly lowered her head to capture Lena’s lips in a kiss, smiling into it as Lena hummed against Kara’s lips. Freeing one wrist, Kara trailed down Lena’s side, gently gliding over her curves, and cupping Lena’s calf, which was immediately moved to hook around Kara’s waist. Fingers splayed, Kara slid her hand up to the exposed skin of Lena’s thigh, while her mouth dropped to the pulse point on Lena’s neck, sucking softly while Lena groaned, sending a jolt through Kara’s body. Her lips moved of their own accord, down to her collarbone, where she gently nipped at the unmarked skin, sucking and kissing the spot, knowing that she’d leave Lena with a small reminder of what they’d done, even if only for a few days.

 

            Kissing her deeply for a few moments, Kara ran her thumb over one of Lena’s prominent cheekbones, and Lena pushed back against the kiss, before they had to pull apart. Chests heaving against each other, leaving Kara feeling the spike of heat deep within as Lena gasped for air. Stealing another kiss, Kara moved further down the bed, kissing her way down Lena’s body, until she reached her legs, and then she started to kiss her way up, relishing the small sounds coming from Lena. Still, by the sounds of things, Lena was caught off guard by the first kiss, and Kara hadn’t ever imagined that she’d hear Lena moaning her name from between her legs. Taking her time, Kara elicited as many curse words from Lena as she could, while the other woman squirmed, her knees clamped around Kara’s head and her hands balled up in the sheets and Kara’s hair, which would’ve been painful if Kara wasn’t Kryptonian. She didn’t stop until she was sure Lena was finished, the sound of her name still ringing in her ears as she crawled back up, her fingers stroking Lena’s flushed cheeks as she stole gentle kisses, listening to Lena’s ragged breathing and running a hand through the dark tousled hair fanned out around Lena’s head.

 

            Rolling off the top of her, Kara lay on her back, the cool silk sheets sticking to her back, and she pulled Lena into her arms, feeling the sweat beading on her lower back as Lena’s warm breath blew across her chest, giving Kara goosebumps. It was a few minutes of silence, before Lena propped herself up and guided Kara’s face to hers, their lips crashing back together, and the favour was returned with the same slow torture of Lena memorised every inch of Kara’s body, prolonging the moment for as long as possible. Kara felt limp afterwards, her heart staggering as she tried to even out her breathing, and her legs feeling like jelly. She was still blinking back black spots, with Lena splayed across her chest, her eyelashes tickling Kara’s skin as her eyes fluttered open and closed, and Kara wound her arms tightly around Lena, holding her close in the way she’d never had the privilege of doing before. They stayed wrapped up in each other’s arms, neither of them wanting to move, until they both drifted off to sleep.

 

            It was still dark when they woke up, Lena pushing herself up off Kara’s chest and Kara rubbing her eyes. They hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but to wake up with Lena in her arms just once was worth it, but the moment was ruined. It was all over. Kara watched as Lena climbed to her feet, stumbling towards the bathroom in the dark and coming back out with a silk robe wrapped around herself. Kara was sitting on the edge of the bed, stretching muscles that were aching in a good way, before she climbed to her feet and searched around on the floor for her underwear. Then she found her pants, zipping them up and buckling her belt as she walked through Lena’s apartment, heading for the kitchen where the rest of her clothes were. Plucking her shirt off the floor, the sleeves still stuck through the cardigan sleeves, she pushed her arms through the holes, buttoning it up quickly. Her appearance was in stark contrast to the polished look of the person she’d been when she’d come here, and Kara shoved the plastic glasses back on her face as she ran a hand through her dishevelled hair, catching Lena looking at her from across the kitchen counters. Trying to tuck her wrinkled shirt back into her pants, Kara gave up, fighting a losing battle at making herself look presentable – she had mascara smudged beneath her eyes, and her hair was looking more tousled the more she tried to fix it – and pulled her coat on. Slinging the bag over one shoulder, she brushed her hair out of her face as she looked down at the floor, shoving her feet into her shoes.

 

            “It would’ve been you, you know,” Lena quietly told her, and Kara jerked her head up to find a longing in Lena’s eyes that betrayed the finality of her words. She didn’t want to walk away anymore that Kara wanted her to, but there was a distance between them now that hadn’t been there before, and being intimate in a way they’d never imagined hadn’t been enough to fix the rift. It was like a slap in the face for Kara to know that she would’ve been Lena’s first pick if she’d just been honest, and she gave Lena a bittersweet smile, finally understanding what the price of her secrecy had been. This night had been everything she could’ve had, and everything she never _would_ have – not anymore. “I think I loved you more.”

 

            _Loved_. The past tense made Kara’s heart ache, and she nodded, willing herself not to cry in front of her again. Tilting her head to the side, she gave Lena an apologetic look, her eyes pleading for her to believe her, “I’m sorry.”

 

            “I know,” Lena murmured.

 

            Nodding again, Kara turned around, walking towards the dark hallway, and she could hear Lena quietly padding after her as Kara made her way towards the front door. Opening it, Kara winced at the sudden brightness of the hallway light, and she blinked as she waited for her eyes to adjust, hovering just inside the door, before stepping outside, turning to look at Lena, who stood there, eyes swimming with unshed tears, and sorrow written into the lines of her face. “Bye Lena,” Kara softly said, giving her the brightest smile she could muster.

 

            Lena’s face split into an answering smile, just as brilliant as Kara's, and she let out a tearful laugh as the tears spilled over, racing down her cheeks as she wiped them away. Stepping out into the hallway, she gave Kara a quick kiss on the cheek. “Goodbye Kara.”


	2. I still feel everything when you are near

            She was walking down the sidewalk, hands buried deep in the pockets of her coat as she braced herself against the wind, making her way towards the bar she was meeting her friends at. The didn’t go to Maggie’s bar anymore – it hurt Alex too much – and they didn’t go to the ones Lena had introduced them to after they’d stopped going to Maggie’s, because it hurt Kara too much. None of them knew what had really gone on between Kara and her best friend – they knew about Supergirl and Reign, and Lena finding out about both – but they didn’t know _everything_. Kara didn’t even tell Alex, and her sister had been happy to let it go if it was what Kara had wanted, and life had gone on. She didn’t go back to work – she got a job at the National City Newspaper instead – and she managed to get herself an advice column, as far away from business and technology as she could get. As far away from Lena as possible.

 

            As she walked down the sidewalk though, towards the raucous sound of laughter and music as the door to the bar opened and closed, spilling light out onto the street as a group of people walked inside, Kara froze. She was only a couple of metres away from the door, and perhaps it would’ve been better to quickly run and duck inside before she was noticed, but walking towards her, with an arm slung around her shoulder, mouth open and head tipped back as she laughed, was Lena. And then her chin lowered, a smile still spread across her face, and Kara watched it freeze in place as she realised who she’d just bumped into. Faltering slightly, Kara felt her knees shake as she reached up to adjust her glasses, her mouth suddenly dry. They were both staring at each other, and it was _Sam_ with her arm around Lena’s shoulders, making her laugh, and the three of them were just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, a few metres separating them, with the sounds of cars passing and laughter and music inside the bar to fill the silence that stretched on between them.

 

            Then it was Sam who made the first move, a warm smile spreading across her face and her kind eyes softening as she pulled her arm from around Lena’s shoulder, falling onto the strap of the bag on her shoulder. “Kara! Hi, it’s good to see you,” Sam said, sounding genuinely pleased to have bumped into her.

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Kara willed herself to smile, “hi, yeah it’s, uh, it’s great to see you. How are you doing? Is- is everything-“

 

            “I’m great,” Sam assured her, “you wouldn’t even know that I- well, yeah, I’m completely fine now. I’m even done with physio now, so Ruby’s got me running around. You know how kids are.”

 

            “Right,” Kara murmured, ducking her head as she kicked at the floor, feeling her cheeks flood with heat. It had been months – six, in fact – since the last time she’d seen Lena, and even longer since she’d seen Sam, covered in blood and bruises, her broken bones in casts as she breathed with the help of a machine. They both looked different now – Sam fully healed, and Lena … she’d looked happy when Kara had caught sight of her. Laughing in the comfort of Sam’s arms, her smile a stark contrast to the last time she’d smiled at Kara, with tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m-“ _sorry?_ That didn’t seem like the right thing to say. She’d apologised the last time they’d spoken on the phone, all that time ago, and now it would just seem weak to say it again after so long. “I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

 

            Smiling slightly wider, Sam nodded, blinking in surprise at the buzzing sound coming from inside her bag. Finding herself rooted to the spot, Kara watched as Sam fished her phone out of her bag, and she was telling herself to move, to go inside now, before she looked at Lena and lost it. She didn’t though, she just watched as Sam gave her an apologetic smile, turning slightly towards Lena. “Sorry, it’s the sitter. I’ll meet you inside? It was good seeing you again, Kara.”

 

            Kara and Lena both started to protest, but Sam was already walking towards the door of the bar, giving Lena’s arm a quick, reassuring squeeze before she left, and Kara felt her stomach lurch at the realisation that they were all going to the same place. Standing outside, shivering in the cold air, Kara couldn’t meet Lena’s stare, but she could feel it drilling into the top of her head. She wasn’t prepared for a moment like this – she didn’t think she’d ever have to face Lena again – and she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Even when a shooter had entered L-Corp to stop a revenge fuelled man with a gun, she had been quick, disarming him and leaving him unconscious for the cops to find before Lena’s elevator had even reached the ground floor. They’d said their goodbyes, and Lena had moved on. Clearly. Kara hadn’t though, and she knew that she’d hurt Lena, but she loved her too. No one loved Lena the way that she did – not even Sam – and it hurt Kara more than she thought it would to see her happy with someone else. How could she begrudge Lena her happiness though, when she had been the one to hurt her? Kara though … she wasn’t happier. She _needed_ Lena, more than she had ever thought she did, and no matter how hard she had tried to hide the truth, that after all this time she was _still_ in love with her best friend, it all come flooding back to her, rising to the surface in the moment.

 

            She made the mistake of glancing up, and her eyes got stuck on Lena, unable to tear her eyes away as she took in the dark hair, just a little bit longer, and the smile, that was softer than the smiles she remembered getting off Lena, almost like it was a pitying one. Then there were her eyes, and as Kara’s gaze landed on those sea green eyes, she felt it all come back in a split-second. They were just the same as she remembered. Her heart faltered for a moment, before picking up slightly faster rhythm, and she saw the flicker of emotion in Lena’s eyes, but she wasn’t quite sure what it was. Anger? Sadness? Perhaps a spark of happiness as she fondly recalled their friendship? That was more than Kara dared to hope for.

 

            “It’s good to see you,” Kara said, her eyes back on the sidewalk, staring at an old piece of gum spat out and trampled onto the grimy street.

 

            Listening to the sharp inhale, Kara closed her eyes, feeling her heart leap up into her throat. Her eyes prickled beneath closed lids, and she had to remind herself not to cry; she had no right to cry anymore. “It’s good to see you too,” Lena softly replied, and Kara felt the dull ache in her chest flare up at the sound of her voice. She had missed that sound more than she’d ever thought it was possible to, and she couldn’t stop the forceful exhale, as if she’d just been kicked in the stomach.

 

            “You- you told her then?” Kara hoarsely asked, venturing a quick peek at Lena, locking onto those perfect red lips, knowing that she couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. Looking at her lips had been a mistake too though, because as Lena spoke, all Kara could think about was what that mouth had done, and all the places those lips had kissed.

 

            “Kara-“

 

            “I’m happy for you,” Kara quickly assured her, “there’s not many people who deserve you, but Sam … she does. I’m happy for you both.” It was almost physically painful for her to let the words fall from her mouth, but she had to say them. They might’ve meant nothing to Lena, who had moved on and seemed happy, but Kara wanted her to know that she was didn’t begrudge Lena for doing so. It wasn’t her fault that she’d been able to stop loving Kara, while Kara was still stuck on her. Of all the losses she’d suffered, this one hurt the most, because Lena was still here, and Kara couldn’t move past that. She still loved her.

 

            They were silent for a few moments, the awkwardness of the moment growing between them, and Kara gave Lena a forced smile, her nose crinkling slightly. Shoulders sagging slightly, as if all the pent up tension bled out of her, Lena returned the smile, giving her a slightly concerned look. “How have you been?”

 

            Blinking back tears, Kara nodded, her eyes travelling elsewhere as she tried to pull herself together. “Yeah, I’m good,” she quietly replied, her voice wavering slightly, betraying her words. She wasn’t okay; she was in love with a woman she could never have. It wasn’t like she hadn’t _known_ that Lena would someday end up with Sam, and she was glad that she sounded happy with her, but Kara couldn’t help but wonder if Sam kissed Lena the way she had. If she touched her in the same way. Most of all she couldn’t help but think about how if she had been honest, it would’ve been her, not Sam, and that hurt more than anything else.

 

            Clearing her throat, Kara gestured vaguely down the street, giving Lena an apologetic smile. “Well I, uh, I should get going. I’ve got to ... work.”

 

            “Right, of course. I’m sure you’re busy,” Lena said, nodding as she gave Kara a hesitant smile. “It was ... good to see you again, Kara.”

 

            Closing her eyes at the sound of her name falling from Lena’s lips, she drew in a shuddering breath, her eyes flying open sad her lips quirked up into a small smile. “Yeah, you too, Lena.”

 

            It wasn’t good - it was heartbreaking. They’d barely had time for a quick hello and a few words, and Kara couldn’t bring herself to tell Lena that she still felt the same. After all of those months, she still felt everything just as strongly as she had that night. The pain, the pleasure, the heartbreak. It was all still there, and time hadn’t managed to dull the ache in her chest, and bumping into Lena again had brought it back with an intensity that was almost unbearable. And Lena ... she probably would never know. Kara hadn’t told her the truth - that she was barely holding on - because how could she ruin Lena’s happiness at moving on with someone she loved? Just because it wasn’t with Kara didn’t mean that she didn’t deserve to be happy, and it would’ve been selfish of Kara to put that on Lena, when she was with Sam now.

 

            Without another word, Kara walked towards Lena, slipping past, making sure they didn’t touch as she passed her by, hearing the unsteady heartbeat as Lena’s heels clicked towards the door. Unable to stop herself, Kara looked back over her shoulder, catching sight of Lena bathed in the yellow light from inside the bar, her hand on the handle as she hesitated, looking back at Kara. With a pained smile, Kara quickly turned back around and ducked her head, her hands shaking as she clenched them, burying them deep in her pockets as she hurried down the sidewalk, all plans to meet her friends suddenly forgotten.

 

            She didn’t see the flicker of hesitation on Lena’s face as her resolve wavered, pausing a few moments longer as she watched the first person she’d ever loved walk away from her. Kara didn’t see the realisation on Lena’s face either, as she walked inside, her eyes travelling to the loud corner where the familiar figures of Alex, Winn and James were crowded around the table, with a fourth chair standing empty. It was for Kara, but it had hurt too much to think about sitting in the same bar as Lena, drinking drinks that wouldn’t affect her at all. She didn’t even hear the two quick steps back towards the door, as Lena came to say something when she realised that Kara had been here to meet her friends, and Lena’s appearance had ruined her plans, only to realize that Kara was gone. Most importantly, she didn’t see the longing in Lena’s eyes, or feel the ache in her chest and the pent up feelings that made her want to cry. Kara didn’t see the way that Lena missed her like she missed her, or still loved her like she loved her.

 

            Gone before the door had even swung shut, she’d dashed into the nearest alleyway and broken down, sliding down onto the damp floor, sitting on soggy newspapers and surrounded by garbage as everything slammed into her. Breathing erratically, Kara clutched at her chest, her heart racing, and the cracks from when it had broken last time fracturing all over again. It was horrible. She felt like she was suffocating, and her shoulders were shaking with silent sobs, until it was too much and she let out a strangled whimper, before dissolving into tears. Wracking sobs coursed through her whole body as she pressed her hand into her eyes, her tears making her palms slick, and Kara couldn’t stop. The past six months had been so hard, and she’d barely been holding on, and the only reason why she had been was because she didn’t have to face Lena. They never had to look each other in the eyes, knowing that they’d been as close as they could be, in more ways than one, and had let it all slip through their fingers.

 

            She cried until there was nothing left, and her phone had seven missed calls and a dozen messages off Alex and her friends, wondering where she was. Kara couldn’t go in there. What she needed was to get drunk, and there was only one place that had alcohol strong enough for her. Crunching broken glass beneath her feet, she pushed herself up, her hands scrabbling at the brick wall for support, as if she couldn’t stand without it. Taking a deep breath and wiping her face, Kara set off down the alley, turning away from the bar and making her way towards a different one.

 

\---

 

            It was a couple of hours later that Alex found her, sitting in a grimy booth in Maggie’s bar, with a bottle of alcohol from some alien planet sitting on the stained table. “God, there you are!” Alex exasperatedly exclaimed, coming to a stop in front of the table and crossing her arms over her chest. “You didn’t answer my texts.”

 

            “Texts? You didn’t send me any,” Kara slightly slurred, reaching into her bag for her phone, letting out a drunken laugh when she saw the half a dozen messages off her sister. “Oops.”

 

            “Are you _drunk?”_ Alex asked, narrowed her eyes as she peered at her sister, sliding into the booth across from her.

 

            Dissolving into a fit of laughter, Kara gave her a sheepish smile, holding her thumb and forefinger a tiny bit apart. “Just a little.”

 

            Sighing, Alex grimaced as she looked at Kara, “would this have anything to do with Lena? I saw her in the bar with Sam. I didn’t even realise they were a thing; must be new, because the tabloids haven’t got ahold of it yet.”

 

            Reaching for the bottle, Kara clumsily poured some into her glass, sloshing some down the sides and leaving a wet ring on the table. She quickly drained it, wincing as it burned on the way down, and muffled a cough, before reaching for the bottle again. Alex reached it first, jerking it out of the way and frowning at Kara, who pouted slightly as she slumped down in her seat. “I’m fine, Alex,” she mumbled.

 

            “Kara,” Alex sighed, reaching across the table and holding her hand out for Kara’s, which was slowly placed in hers. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m not stupid or blind. You quit your job, you barely hang out with us all anymore – god it took a month of planning to get you to come tonight, and you _still_ bailed – you wince every time someone mentions Lena’s name. I know she got mad at you … but what else happened?”

 

            “She picked Sam, that’s all you need to know,” Kara said, her voice cracking as she spoke, and Alex gently squeezed her hand as she gave her a pitiful look.

 

            Kara watched as Alex dropped her hand, reaching for the empty glass instead and splashing a little bit of the amber liquid into it, before nudging it back across the table to her. “I’m sorry,” Alex murmured.

 

            Giving her sister a teary-eyed smile, Kara picked up the glass, waving it around slightly as she shrugged, “oh you know me, Alex, I’m never sad for long. I’ll be okay.”

 

            She wasn’t convincing anyone though – not herself, not Alex, and probably not even M’gann, who was setting a beer down in front of Alex, a look of concern passing between them as Kara drained her glass. How many times had she listened to Lena talk about her family? Her lack of friends, or anyone who trusted her? Those people who had hurt Lena had left lasting impressions on Lena, but she’d always had Kara who had trusted her, and loved her, and that had been enough – more than enough – and now Kara’s face was right alongside those people who had hurt Lena before, and Kara would never forgive herself for that. Ignoring them both, Kara wallowed in her misery, while one overwhelming thought kept circling around in her mind; _she should’ve told her._


	3. I just can't fall in love with you

            She stood frozen in the middle of her apartment, watching Sam rush back and forth with armfuls of clothes and other things, a pleading look on her face as she felt her heart ache. “Why’re you doing this?”

 

            Stopping as she pulled two books from the packed shelves, Sam gave her a small smile, “come on, Lena, you _know_ why I am.”

 

            “But we’re _happy_ ,” Lena said, a confused look on her face as she slowly sank down onto the sofa, her shoulders hunched over as she ran a hand through her hair.

 

            “Yes, we’re happy - content even - and I love you, I do,” Sam softly said, picking her way across the room and sinking to her knees before Lena, two books clamped under one arm while she laid a gentle hand on Lena’s knee. “We both know this is for the best though.”

 

            Sniffing, Lena blinked back tears, “you don’t have to leave though. It doesn’t have to be weird.”

 

            “I do,” Sam said, giving her a strained smile, “it’s not _just_ you. I think Ruby and I need a fresh start, after ... well, everything. Metropolis can give us that.”

 

            “I can come with you though,” Lena desperately said, looking a Sam with sad green eyes, trying not to sound like she was begging. “We can try again. I love you.”

 

            Softly sighing, Sam put the books down on the floor and reached out for both of Lena’s hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. Her smile was sad, and Lena felt her heart break at the sight, knowing that this was her fault, whether Sam blamed her for it or not. “I know you love me, and I love you too, but it’s not- we don’t- it’s the _wrong_ way. It’s not enough and we both know it. We can still be friends, Lena, and I hope that you know that I care about you deeply and I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me over the last eight months,” Sam told her, a tender look on her face, while she chewed her lip, hesitating before continuing, “but we both know I’m not _her.”_

 

            Lena shook her head, swallowing the lump in her throat as she tried to make her voice work, her mouth opening and closing uselessly. “I don’t- it’s not-“

 

            “It’s okay, Lena. I always knew you loved her more, and I know if she hadn’t lied ... I wouldn’t have stood a chance. You would’ve picked her in a heartbeat,” Sam said.

 

            “No,” Lena hoarsely replied, tears spilling down her cheeks as she closed her eyes, knowing deep down that Sam was right.

 

            “Shh, it’s okay. We gave it a go because I thought maybe one day you’d be able to get over her, and you needed someone to look after you. I know that sounds backwards, because you were helping _me_ get better, but you haven’t been the same since that day,” Sam gently told her, reaching up to wipe Lena’s tears away, “it’s better that we stop this now.”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Lena pulled her other hand out of Sam’s, blowing all the air out of her lungs as she wiped at her eyes. “What, so that’s it? Two months and you want to end this?”

 

            Climbing to her feet, Sam sat down beside Lena, her hand pressing against her lower back, the warmth of the familiar touch making Lena feel even worse. “The fact of the matter is that you’re in love with Kara, and you can’t get over her. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love me, but it’s not as much, and it doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t beautiful and happy. I just- I’m not anyone’s second choice, Lena.”

 

            “You don’t have to be,” Lena sobbed, breaking down as she turned to Sam, reaching out to cup her face and leaning in for a kiss. Gently but firmly pushing her away, Sam sighed, giving Lena a grim smile. “We can fix this!” Lena insisted.

 

            As Sam cupped her face in her hands, Lena closed her eyes, finding comfort in the gentle touch of her warm hands, even if she didn’t in the words. “Listen,” Sam told her, “you can love her. It’s okay to love her. You love her even if you’re not _with_ her and you’re hurting both of you by holding onto your hurt. She lied to you, yes, and you’ve lied to her. You’ve gone behind her back and helped your mom, when you could’ve asked for her help. She never once doubted your good intentions behind it though. And me ... I lied to you too. I knew there was something wrong. The blackouts and the lost time ... I _knew_ , but I didn’t tell you either.”

 

            “She lied for longer,” Lena said, her breathing hitching as she tried to reason with Sam’s logic.

 

            Letting out a quiet laugh, Sam wrapped an arm around her shoulders, holding her close and leaning her cheek against the top of Lena’s dark hair. “That’s not how lying works, sweetie. A lie is a lie no matter how long it goes on for.”

 

            “But-“

 

            “Lena,” Sam gently but firmly said, “stop trying to change my mind. I deserve better than this, and so do you.”

 

            “I never thought that she was better than you,” Lena said.

 

            With a quick laugh, and this light press of lips to her dark hair, making Lena shudder slightly at the thought of losing this comforting feeling, Sam gave her a quick squeeze. “I know, you just loved her more. I don’t blame you for that, and I don’t want to hurt you by doing this, but you’re hurting yourself by staying with me. You can’t force a love like the one you have for Kara. I just want you to be happy, and I want what’s best for you. I’m just not that.”

 

            With a small sob, Lena buried her face into Sam’s shoulder, shaking as she cried. She couldn’t stop herself, and soon there was a wet patch spreading across Sam’s shirt, while the other woman held her close, murmuring comforting things as she broke Lena’s heart. Both women that she had loved had broken her heart in one way or another, and it hurt so much. She didn’t have anyone else. It had been hard for Lena to move on, and she had hoped that time would help erase the feelings she’d held for Kara, and for a brief moment, she’d thought it had. It had been slow with Sam, taking months for them to address their feelings, and Lena would be lying if she said she’d been over Kara when her and Sam had gotten together. It had been hard to let someone else love her, but she’d tried her hardest, and there had been a shadow of a chance at one point, but then she’d seen Kara.

 

            They’d bumped into each other on the street, and it had brought back every memory Lena had shared with her - ones that she wanted more of. It had snuffed our whatever spark there had been with Sam in an instant. All it took was one glance. She’d seen that hair, and those lips, and those hands, and eventually she’d looked into those blue eyes when Kara had plucked up the courage to meet her stare. And Lena had looked at Sam afterwards, struck again by how beautiful and warm she was - perhaps more than before, as Lena closely studied her - but in that moment, Lena had realised that she wasn’t her. Sam wasn’t Kara. For the past four weeks, Lena had tried her best to love her more, pushing all thoughts of Kara aside, but it hadn’t worked, and Sam was right; she deserved better than being second best.

 

            “I’ll miss you,” Lena whispered into Sam’s chest.

 

            “Yeah, I’ll miss you too,” Sam sighed, soothingly rubbing Lena’s back, before she gently pulled back. Picking the two books up off the floor, Sam climbed to her feet and walked over to the duffle bag on the dining table. Packing them away, she quickly zipped up the bag and slung it over one shoulder.

 

            Lena was still breathing raggedly as she watched Sam finish collecting her things, wondering if this was going to be the last time she’d see her. A part of her couldn’t help but think that she’d made a mistake by loving both of her best friend’s, because now she’d lost them both and she didn’t have anyone else to comfort her. You were supposed to go to your friends for that. Stamping down the overwhelming urge to cry, Lena wallowed in her sadness, feeling guilty at what she had put Sam through, and climbed to her feet.

 

            Sam turned and walked down the hallway, fishing her car keys out of the handbag slung over the other shoulder, and opening the front door, while Lena trailed along behind her. She’d done this before, said goodbye to someone she loved, and it didn’t hurt any less than it did saying goodbye to Kara, even though Sam was right and Lena didn’t love her quite as much. “Come here,” Sam sighed, giving Lena a warm smile, her brown eyes shining slightly with her own unshed tears as she held her arms open.

 

            Lena went into them willingly, like she’d done all those other times before, and she wound her arms around the taller woman’s waist, closing her eyes as she listened to the uneven heartbeat. Sam was putting on a brave face, but it was hurting her to say goodbye to her best friend too, even if she knew that she hadn’t loved Lena enough either; they’d loved each other as much as they’d needed to in the moment, but really, Sam had needed someone to nurse her back to health, and Lena had needed someone to get her back on her feet after the crushing loss of Kara.

 

            “Thank you,” Lena choked out, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.”

 

            “We were what we needed, just not what we really _wanted_ ,” Sam murmured, resting her cheek on top of Lena’s head, breathing in the familiar perfume and the way that Lena fit in her arms. “Hey, can you do one last favour for me?”

 

            Drawing back slightly, Lena looked up at her with glassy eyes, a mild look of concern on her wary face. “Anything,” she promised.

 

            Giving her a small smile, Sam tilted Lena’s face up and gave her a reassuring look. “Go to her.”

 

            “Sam-“

 

            “Please, Lee. I don’t want to leave you like this, and I don’t want to break your heart, so go to someone who can fix it for me. She _still_ loves you, I know she does,” Sam said.

 

            Lena opened and closed her mouth, speechless as she looked into Sam’s warm brown eyes. There was no jealousy or malice in them - she genuinely wanted Lena to be happy, and that made it even worse, because Lena couldn’t offer her the same in return. “And what about you? Who’ll fix you?” Lena croaked.

 

            “I have Ruby,” Sam told her, “we’ll be fine. Please, do this for me though. Just ... go to her apartment and tell her how you feel. Forgive her and move on. You’re not angry at her really, it’s just easier to pretend like you are so you can pretend that you don’t love her. You do, Lena. You do, so just ... be honest this time, yeah? Let her give you what I couldn’t.”

 

            Nodding, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat, feeling confused. This wasn’t how breakups were supposed to go, and maybe that proved Sam’s point that they never truly loved each other, but it also made Lena feel sad, because Sam was so sweet, and she didn’t begrudge Lena for loving someone else. It only made Lena sadder. “I hope- just- find someone who loves you completely. Please. You’re right; you’re not one’s second choice, and I hope you find someone who loves you better than I could.”

 

            “Third time’s the charm, eh?” Sam weakly joked, earning a surprised laugh off Lena. They both let out small sighs, and Sam let her head tip down, resting her forehead against Lena’s as they stood on the doorstep, stalling for just a few more moments. And then Sam pulled back, giving Lena a soft kiss on her cheek. “Goodbye Lena.”

 

            “Bye Sam,” Lena choked out, giving her a wavering smile as Sam turned around and left, leaving Lena alone in her apartment, which suddenly felt cold and unwelcoming.

 

            She leant back against the door, taking a few deep breaths to steady herself, trying not to cry again. It was five minutes before she could collect her thoughts, shaking her head as she tried to get rid of the confusing feelings. Sam was gone, leaving the city and probably never coming back, and she wanted Lena to be happy with Kara, and Lena realised that she wanted that too. That was what she’d always wanted. Pushing herself off the door, Lena walked into the kitchen, fetching a clean glass and opening a bottle of wine, filling it all the way up and sitting down at the counter.

 

            She didn’t move for the rest of the night, until the bottle was empty and it was pitch black outside, and Lena was too drunk and upset to even think straight. Deciding it was time for bed, she slid off the stool, lurching as the room tilted and her head spun, and caught herself on the edge of the counters before she could fall. Holding onto the edge, she stumbled towards the bedroom, stubbing toes and banging her shins and hips on the furniture as she made for her bedroom. Stripping off her clothes, Lena pulled opened one of her drawers, rifling past all of the expensive pyjamas until she reached the comfy things that she hadn’t worn in months. And then her hands fell on a worn t-shirt that she remembered being given after Kara had accidentally nudged Lena at one of their game night’s and she’d spilled red wine down the front of her shirt. After all those months, she still had it, and she told herself that it was because she didn’t want to see Kara again to give it back, but if she’d really wanted to give it back, she could’ve posted it. Slowly pulling it out of the drawer, Lena held it in her shaking hands and fumbled as she slipped it on, before she sank down to the floor, hugging herself as she breathed in the faintest smell of Kara that still clung to the fabric, even after being washed.

 

\---

 

            Weeks went by, and Lena walked around like she was in a daze. Every day was the same routine; wake up, go to work, come home, finish off more work, and then sleep. She’d heard from Sam twice since she’d left, filling Lena in on the new job that Lena had pulled some strings to get for her, and to let her know that they were settling into Metropolis well. It had been a relief for Lena to hear from her, and to know that they had parted amicably, even if the breakup had still stung. In the second call, barely a week ago, Sam had inquired about Lena and Kara, laughing when Lena had told her that she hadn’t seen her yet. There was no coldness in the laugh, only exasperated fondness, and Lena couldn’t help but smile when Sam had asked her what she was waiting for, reminding her off the promise she’d made. The truth was that Lena was scared. What if Sam had been wrong when she said that Kara still loved her? And Lena would’ve said it was too soon after just getting out of a relationship, even if it had been short, but even Sam didn’t seem to share that sentiment.

 

            It was another week before Lena managed to bring herself to do it, almost quite by accident. She’d been walking home from a business meeting, enjoying the cool air on her cheeks on the only night it hadn’t rained in almost two weeks, the collar of her coat turned up and her hands deep in her pockets. And then she’d passed by Kara’s apartment building, without even meaning to.

 

            Outside the door, she’d paused for a few moments, wondering if Kara was up there, and picturing her curled up on the sofa in her sweatpants, clutching a pillow to her chest as she watched the TV. Then her nerves had gotten the better of her, and she’d kept walking, only a few hurried steps away, before hesitating again, and casting a look back over her shoulder. Biting her lip as she looked at the warm light of the lobby, Lena fished her phone out of her pocket, bringing up Kara’s number, that she hadn’t been able to bring herself to delete. Finger hovering over the dial button, Lena exhaled forcefully, before shoving her phone back into her pocket. What was she going to say? She couldn’t just call her and ask if she was home, like it hadn’t been two months since they’d last seen each other, and another six before that since they’d had a proper conversation - or argument, rather.

 

            Swallowing her pride and her nerves, Lena took a deep breath and walked towards the door to the building, slipping into the warm interior and shivering slightly at the sudden warmth. Taking the stairs to give herself time to collect her thoughts, Lena slowly made her way up to Kara’s floor, finding herself outside the apartment much sooner than she would’ve liked. If Kara had been listening, she would know she was there, which meant that Lena had no choice but to go through with it now. Drawing in a shuddering breath, she raised a hand and knocked, holding her breath as she waited for Kara to answer it.

 

            It was a few moments before Lena hears the telltale sound of footsteps padding towards her, and she could hear her heart pounding loudly in her chest, while her clammy hands were balled into fists. Her heart seemed to seize when the door was pulled open to reveal a tired looking Kara, not wearing her glasses, which told Lena that she’d known it was her, even though Kara’s eyes still held a look of surprise. There was a slight pause as they both looked at each other, taking in the changes since the last time they’d seen each other, but then the silence was dragging on for too long, and Lena was willing herself to say something - anything.

 

            “Hi.”

 

            Kara let out a quiet laugh, her lips curling up into a warm smile as she looked at Lena. There was a part of Lena that wanted to believe that the look in her blue eyes was longing, but she wasn’t sure of that was just wishful thinking. “Would you like to come in?” Kara quietly asked, her throat bobbing up and down as she swallowed thickly.

 

            Silently nodding, Lena walked past Kara, who stepped aside to let her past, before shutting the door behind her. Lena watched the TV flicker, and caught sight of an abandoned pillow and blanket, before her eyes landed on Kara’s sweatpants, and her lips twitched with amusement and Kara’s predictability. “Are you staying long, or were you just- what- did you want me to take your coat?” Kara stammered, reaching up to fix glasses that weren’t there as she got flustered.

 

            “Yes, if that’s okay,” Lena quickly replied, shrugging her coat off and handing it over to Kara, who was waiting expectantly.

 

            She hung it up on a hook and walked past Lena, her head ducked down and her cheeks a bit pink, and Lena hated the awkwardness of the moment. It was even worse than last time, and Lena knew she had to explain herself quickly so they could move past this. But then Kara was in the kitchen, putting a kettle on to boil while she pottered around the kitchen, pulling out things to make tea, and Lena drifted closer, taking a seat on one of the stools at the counter.

 

            “So, uh, how’ve you been?” Kara asked, her voice trembling slightly as she stood with her back to Lena, trying to busy herself with making tea.

 

            “Sam left me,” Lena blurted out and the sound of shattering china closely followed the words as Kara crushed the mug in her hand out of surprise.

 

            Whirling around, she looked at Lena with conflicted emotions on her face. Did she try and comfort Lena? Was it wrong for her to be feeling a little bit hopeful right now? Why had Lena come to her? The last one she figured out by herself, realising that Lena didn’t have anyone else, but it still begged the question of why Lena would choose to come to her, rather than shut off like she used to do before they became friends. Lena watched Kara go through a whole range of emotions, words failing her as she scrambled for something to say, her hands still clamped around the mug, which was now pulverised into a fine powder. Walking over to the sink, Kara washed the powder off her hands, meeting Lena’s eyes for the first time as she gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry.”

 

            “I’m not,” Lena said, ducking her head as she ran her finger along the pattern of the wood grain, “it was ... it was what was best for both of us. We weren’t a good match and we decided we were better off friends.”

 

            “Oh, well I’m, uh, happy that the two of you were able to- I know you really care about her,” Kara said, fumbling for any reassuring words she could think of.

 

            Lena let out a quiet laugh, looking up and giving Kara a small smile, “yes, I _care_ about her, but even Sam knew I loved you more - _love_ you more.”

 

            Inhaling sharply, Kara looked down at her hands, still clutching a dish towel as she dried them off, and she busied herself wringing it tightly as she swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to- I wanted you to be happy - both of you,” Kara apologised, her tongue feeling thick in her mouth.

 

            “We were,” Lena assured her, “it just ... it wasn’t enough.”

 

            “Is there- what can I do to help?” Kara asked, her eyes full of concern and a determined look to help the woman who had been her friend first and foremost all those months ago.

 

            Blowing all the air out of her lungs, Lena ran a hand through her hair, shrugging as she closed her eyes. “Can you forgive me?”

 

            Kara made a small sound of surprise, and Lena opened her eyes at the sound of her moving, watching as Kara took a few steps towards her. “Wha- you’ve done nothing that needs forgiving.”

 

            “I have,” Lena said, “I was rash, and stupid, and I was hurt for a little while, but I let it get the better of me. I shouldn’t- I was scared, Kara. I pushed you away because of that, but the truth is, I forgave you a long time ago. I just loved you too much to think about letting you hurt me again.”

 

            “I never wanted to hurt you,” Kara swiftly told her, “I never do.”

 

            Lena let out a choked laugh, her heart aching as she looked at Kara. What was she supposed to say now? She’d already told her she still loved her, but Kara hadn’t given any indication that she returned the sentiment, and Lena’s heart was beating a mile a minute as she wondered if maybe Sam had been wrong. Perhaps Kara had moved on, or she just didn’t love Lena enough to take her back after rejecting her. If it was anyone except for Kara, Lena would’ve been too proud to even consider forgiving them, but she loved Kara so much that it hurt to even think about not being with her. Sam had been there to soothe the pain with the way that they had loved each other, but there had still been a dull ache that she hadn’t been able to stifle. Without Sam, the heartache was almost painful, and a constant reminder of who she really loved.

 

            “I know you didn’t,” Lena hoarsely replied, “and I … I don’t care. I just- I _need_ you. I know you told me that once, and I sent you away, but I need you. I _do_. I don’t want anyone else – I _can’t_ have anyone else – and it hurts _so much_ not being with you. Just … please, Kara, please. You’re all I want. I thought that I could find someone else to love, and I thought it could be Sam, but it was a different kind of love.  It wasn’t enough. I can’t give you up. I’ll beg if I have to, I just- I need to know if you’ll stay. I need to know if you still love me.”

 

            Looking startled at the clear declaration of Lena’s feelings, Kara stared at her with wide eyes, her mouth opening and closing as she found herself speechless. She hadn’t expected to see Lena again, let alone have her show up at her apartment asking for her forgiveness, and never in her wildest dreams had she thought that she’d have her begging Kara to love her back. Here she was though, sitting on a stool in Kara’s kitchen, her eyes shining with a film of tears and her longing and pain written all over her face. Kara’s tongue felt thick in her mouth, and her chest hurt as she stared at Lena, trying to force herself to say something. It was everything Kara had wanted, and everything she hadn’t dared let herself hope for. Eyes filling with tears, and knees going weak, Kara almost tripped over her feet in her haste to reach Lena. Collapsing at her feet, Kara reached out with a shaky hand, taking Lena’s in her own and giving it a squeeze. “Oh god, Lena I’m so sorry,” Kara choked out, wiping her eyes with her other hand, “I’m so sorry I did this to us.”

 

            Shaking her head, Lena swallowed thickly, tears spilling down her cheeks as she reached out to cup Kara’s face in her hands, her breathing hitching slightly. “Shh, I don’t care. Just tell me you still love me. I need to know, I need to hear you say it to my face. Please.”

 

            “How can I not?” Kara tearfully exclaimed, “I know I messed up, and it’s been tearing me apart, but god, after all this time, you’re still the only person I want. I should’ve told you, I know that, but ... I love you. I love you and I’m sorry.”

 

            Sliding off the stool, Lena fell to her knees before Kara, a look of longing and wonder on her face as she reached out to gently caress Kara’s face. Slowly, she moved forward, and Kara was as still as a statue, tears still sliding down her cheeks as she breathed unevenly, until their noses gently bumped and Lena could feel Kara’s warm breath fanning across her cheek. Their lips hovered just a hairsbreadth apart, and then it was Kara who closed the gap, her lips soft as they just grazed Lena’s. A soft sigh escaped Lena’s mouth at the feeling of Kara’s lips on her own, and all of the tension and worry bled out of her, her shoulders dropping with relief at the realisation that this was where her lips should be. This was where her heart should be. Caressing Kara’s cheek with the pad of her thumb, Lena leant into the kiss, her lips craving more, and Kara was only too willing to oblige.

 

            Pulling back, Lena let out a breathless sob, her forehead resting against Kara’s as she kept her hand pressed against her cheek. “Is this okay?” Lena asked, her eyes fluttering closed.

 

            “Yes,” Kara breathed, her nose bumping against Lena’s and her hands cradling the side of Lena’s neck and her waist, “I’ve- I’ve missed you, more than I thought I would.”

 

            Exhaling sharply, Lena melted beneath her touch, “I’ve missed you too.”

 

            There was a slight pause as they both knelt there, cherishing the feeling of each other’s touch, with neither of them wanting to move. It felt right to have Lena there in her arms, and Kara could feel the ache in her chest disappearing as she cradled her close. “I’ve felt so lost without you.”

 

            “I’m sorry it took so long,” Lena murmured, feeling frustrated at herself for holding onto her anger and stopping them from being together.

 

            “I would’ve waited forever,” Kara said, letting out a tearful laugh as she sniffed.

 

            Lena softly sighed, reaching up to wipe at Kara’s wet cheeks, while her bottom lip trembled slightly, “it took me a while to realise that you’ve always waited for me. You’re the only one who’s always been there, I just didn't always know it was you.”

 

            Pulling back slightly, Kara picked up Lena’s hand and placed a delicate kiss to her fingertips, giving her a crooked smile as she gave her hand a quick squeeze. Lena returned the smile, blinking back tears. “I’ll always be there. Maybe not always as Kara Danvers, but I’ll be there for you as Supergirl too.”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena nodded, looking down at their entwined fingers. “Can we- is it- I don’t want to rush things. Is it okay if we- if we take it slow? It’s just ... after Sam-”

 

            “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain,” Kara soothingly told her, “we can go as slow as you’d like. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

 

            Slowly exhaling, Lena felt a small amount of relief at Kara willingness to slow things down. Lena was still confused and healing after the mess of everything, and while she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she loved Kara more, things with Sam had been real and there hadn’t been much time since it had ended. She just needed a little bit more time to completely fix things with Kara, before they fell into this completely. Lena wanted her though, and she knew that waiting a little bit longer before they could take the final step wasn’t going to change anything.

 

            Climbing to her feet, Kara smiled down at Lena and held her hands out to help pull her to her feet. With her heels on, Lena was looking her in the eye, and her expression softened as Kara’s blue eyes crinkled at the corners. “So how about that tea?” Kara asked, wrinkling her nose slightly as she smiled.

 

            “Tea would be lovely,” Lena said, giving Kara’s hand a squeeze, before she watched her walk into the kitchen and pull a new cup out of the cupboard, brushing fragments of the broken one into her cupped hand and tossing them in the trash. “Do you want to order food as well? Are you hungry?”

 

            “Sure,” Lena shrugged, “whatever you’d like.” Kara quietly laughed, looking over her shoulder to smile at Lena, who rolled her eyes. “Give me the number for the Chinese.”

 

            “It’s on the fridge,” Kara said, “can you order a double of the potstickers please. I’m starving. I thought I was going to blow my powers-“

 

            Kara cut off, realising that maybe Lena didn’t want to talk about her alter ego and her superhero antics. Supergirl had been the cause of their problems, and they’d never really had a proper conversation about it, except their argument. Lena didn’t care though; the problem had been the secret keeping, not that Kara was Supergirl, and she raised her eyebrows expectantly as she stood near the fridge, looking at Kara. “Was this about the alien you were fighting today? I saw it on the news; you really pack a punch, I almost felt sorry for it.”

 

            Face lighting up, Kara launched into details about the fight, and Lena leant against the fridge, staring at her in amazement. She’d found it hard to believe that Kara was a real person, with her unending kindness and optimism, but now, staring at her, knowing who she was and what she could do, Lena was in awe. She was dressed in sweatpants and a faded t-shirt, her blonde hair up in a messy ponytail, gesturing wildly as she spoke, and Lena could scarcely believe that she was real. She was like something out of a dream - a real superhero, who saved people everyday - and Lena couldn’t help but think that everyone else paled in comparison to Kara. Lena couldn’t help but think about what Sam had said, that she wasn’t Kara, and those words rang true as Lena gazed at her, a smile playing on her lips and love in her eyes, because no one was like Kara. No one else was her.


End file.
